Go on then. Write a poem about cake. It can be a small poem or a large one, and the ingredients can be rich or plain, as you please.
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Thursday 4 June 2009
Cake
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Rosa the foxfinch
Fidel the faithful parrot
Ernesto the Crocoduck
POEMS AND OTHER PIECES, published under pseudonyms --- Send your offerings to THIS ADDRESS FOR CONSIDERATION --- zephotherstuff@gmail.com
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Ernesto the Crocoduck
68 comments:
Sweet Clarity
Halfway up a mountainside
I dreamed a beautiful dream:
Chocolate cake, bitter coffee inside,
Layered and buttery, rich with cream.
I woke to the cold, to black tea and rice,
Around me a vista so bleak and austere;
Rocks dark and jagged and covered in ice;
No comfort in beauty--no homely cake here.
To challenge the heights, to climb to the sky,
For all the risks I was willing to take;
For the roof of world where I felt I might fly:
I'd have traded them all for a nice piece of cake.
You did say you wanted crap poems about cake, didn't you? Well, here's another one:
Angel Cake
Eggs, flour, sugar, butter and time;
Some elbow-grease and an oven's heat
A finer miracle than water to wine
Is cake rich and moist, light as air and as sweet.
Walking on water and such showy stuff
As raising the dead and healing the blind
Are as nothing to cakes, made with love:
Cake is a miracle, the sweetest kind.
(double-post deleted...cake crumbs in the keyboard, maybe...)
Tasty poems, Mishari!
Some stick strictly to eating veg,
others prefer a bloody steak,
invalids like a soft-boiled egg,
myself, I lurve a slice of cake.
Victoria sponge, rum nicky,
barm brack, Yorkshire jam, swiss roll
Eccles, Derby, Ripon, lardy,
all go swiftly down my cakehole.
Choosing my desert island gear,
there’s no question what I would take,
forget the Bible and Shakespeare,
I’d be packing a piece of cake!
I Wanna Eat A Part Of It
Entenmann's taste of baked New York City
Cakes brash and luscious
Cake with attitude plus
Cake that says:
"Listen, bub, don't never rush us;
You wanna moist cake
Or a cake dry like dust?"
The virgin-white boxes
The royal-blue type
The sweetness that shocks us
The abscence of hype.
Entenmann's cakes
Straight outta Brooklyn
They've had what it takes
For a hunnert years cookin'.
Corny Recipe:
To make the dow we need love and patience
Then we scatter the sugar with science
For garniture we use our happiness
Decorating with smiles,giggles,kindness,
We bake,Outside is crispy, the heart is melting
Wonderful feelings improve your baking
whoever invented the Battenberg cake
he must have been totally out of his tree
the colours are ghastly, it’s tricky to slice
and the taste is as icky as icky can be
that isn’t to say that it can’t be quite fun
to munch on a garishly colourful chunk
and get that strange buzz in the roof of your mouth
the sugar equivalent of getting drunk
it seems that the Battenberg’s future is bleak
for that neon pink dye is not at all healthy
it may even be banned, and go underground
and have to be bought by procedures most stealthy
Hi Zeph,
Erm. Any chance you could replace my offering with the following? It implies less strongly that I mushed my grandmother in orange juice. Thanks.
------------------------
A square metal tin
With blue and white checks
Inside: the sticky slab
Foil-caddised
My grandmother’s ginger cake
Waiting for me in the dim
Of the pantry
Back when there were pantries
And grandmothers.
I Cut a careful but not greedy square
Then dipped and mushed
In orange juice
Devoured
Whilst reading Giles
A few years back
I bought a McVities Ginger Cake
Still can’t tell if it’s good or bad
That it tasted the same
XB, if you insist, but now you point it out the other version's very funny! Giles would have liked it.
(This was the offending bit:
"Back when there were pantries
And grandmothers
Cut in a careful, not greedy, square
Then dipped and mushed
In orange juice
Devoured
Whilst reading Giles")
At least now our readers will get the proper version first!
And I think it's definitely Good that McVitie's Ginger Cake is unchanged. There must be some things for a civilisation to hold on to.
Personally, I think grandmother mashed in orange juice sounds delicious.
Jammy Coffin Dodgers
Whether it's granny
Or an elderly tranny;
I don't mean to be boorish
But they are very more-ish.
*she's tail*
she once was hot, and butter-wouldn't-melt
but wears the years of catering to knead
and beat and pound and blow below the belt:
a cut-and-come-again who's gone to seed.
Cruel, so cruel
no cake here
only gruel
Mimi, that's so sad. I've got a divine caramel and chocolate mousse and the smallest spoon I can find... to prolong the pleasure!
Der Stollenkrieg
Is it a cake or is it bread?
over that difficult question
a million Zendans are dead.
It depends on the action of yeast, said
General Baron Von Semmeln und Pumpernickel,
and, therefore, it is bread.
That is a common mistake,
said Marshal Count Von Schwartzwaldertorte von Kugelhupt,
it is fruited, and thus it is cake!
The first rising was unplanned,
the doughboys were vigorously knocked back,
fist over fist and hand over hand.
The second showed that peace was needed,
as if that required to be proved,
and at last the message was heeded.
The Treaty of Backerei-Vollentrot
found a compromise solution
in the shape of Kuchenbrot.
So once again life was perfect.
But somewhere in the shadows
lurked the Brotkuchen sect…
Sehr gut, MM!
Nice one Mowberry Raisindyll. Keep an eye out for Black Forest Gateaux Michael...
Cake Song (trad.)
Apple pie, treacle tart, jam roly-poly,
Sacher torte, cake with port, lemon merengue,
I swear on my oath and by all that is holy
I'd murder for cake: yes, I'd willingly hang.
Coffee cakes, oatmeal bakes and when I'm restive
Chocolate chip cookies can soothe
Not quite as well as the biscuit digestive
(or the fig that's called 'newton', in truth.)
Hurrah for baked goods, for the pastry confection,
Raise up your voice to the rafters;
Discuss, if you like, the EU election,
The real question is: what's there for afters?
Home Economics
They made us wear pinny’s
and gave us each a spoon.
We giggled, squealed and minced
away a dizzy afternoon.
But for Bambury, the bully,
who wasn’t happy at all
he scowled in a frilly, floral thing
Miss Dilkes insisted he wore.
She made us sieve flour
which we did, in a fervour,
breaking eggs by the dozen
and flicking vanilla
(All except for Nigel,
whose packages had split,
his ingredients just needed
scraping off his gym kit)
An hour of dusty, gooey games
of icky, viscid bedlam
there came a time for baking
(if we’d turned our ovens on).
We spooned and pried and poured
the mixture off each other, ceilings, floors
into round tins in the stench of singed
pullover, and there was more
the filling
Jam; flung, smeared and trod in
and the whipping of cream with whisks
which doubled up as weapons.
There is a science, it is sure
to making something burnt and raw.
Oh Victoria Sandwich Cake!
So many made, so few are ate.
Home Economics, what a waste
of good food cooked in groups.
For the rest of the term we learned the art
of stirring Cup-a-soups.
file,
Miss Dilkes floral thing on Bambury the bully it's a "Piece montee" , a wedding cake at a texan rodéo.
Brilliant responses to this cake challenge! Thanks all.
Four cakes, archangel,
Like the makers of gospels
Like death, judgement, heaven and hell
Like the four corners of your head, O chartered accountant,
Like the quarters of the compass that speak the world's divisions;
Four cakes, effendi,
Defeat my desires,
And speak the bursting end
Of my obesity.
let them be
rich cream
dusted almonds
delicate sponge
let them take all the plate
let them be cake
I, crumb
Mmmmmmmmmmm,
You won't get a poem from me. In fact, it's part of that document Zeph made me sign (my "posting rights", she calls it), which forbids me to attempt any sort of rhyming on this site. But nevermind, this is quite a feast already.
It's been an interesting week, cakewise. First this, then on friday little Offspring's end of term school party (great show, she's definitely star material), where Mrs Offside was in charge of the cake stall (doubledrool), and yesterday we had a beach party for little offspring's birthday with a gigantic chocolate and coconut Polynesian spongebob cake. Today being Mothers' day, we had lunch at the Bus Stop, a tiny restaurant on Moorea whose young French chef is a pastry specialist who's had enough of Paris and Brest.
Sunday evening now, I've had an apple for dinner, and I feel ever so slightly queasy.
And now to your wonderful poems. I won't comment on artistic merit, they're all great, and if I had to choose one, I'd feel like a kid in a pastry shop.
Yet, I feel a special connection with Misha's first, just because it reminds me of one of my last solitary treks in Ireland. After days of traipsing through the Kerry mountains with stale bread, cheddar and super noodles as my only company, I came down and walked straigh into a little tea-room which had raspberry cheesecake on the slate. A guilt-free heavenly experience. Twice.
All your poems put together are nearly as good as the memory of that cake. Nearly.
Thanks, Offie, on behalf of the various poets.
A gigantic chocolate and coconut Polynesian spongebob cake sounds like a poem in itself!
I wish there were lots of easy pudding recipes here.
But there aren't so I'm buying a cheesecake pud to take to Viv at the hospital,
Challenge to youse all. EAsy puds to make, microwaveable.
two eggs, their weight
in sugar, flour, fat
(butter is best)
cream the two you
feel you should add
the others
when you think best
& flavour bake
this cake
is easy as
life itself
two eggs, their weight
A gem, Billy!
It is an actual cake recipe, Henry.
Pink Fairy Cake's last wish:
When the time comes, I'd like you all to know,
Death by chocolate is my chosen demise.
Face down in the chocolate fountain I'll go!
Just make sure that I don't caramelise,
Until you embalm me in creme brulee.
Then cloak me in chocolate truffle roulade,
Crowning me with a raspberry souffle,
And bury me in pavlova set hard.
Bring on the black-iced, chest-beating mourners
And realms of Angel cakes singing my praise.
Weep for my death in all the world's corners
Oh you Viennese whirls and Creme Anglaise.
The Devil's food cake banished should he be,
For he has no place at this lavish wake!
A burial fit for the pink fairy
Floating on high on her lemon cloud cake.
Erm... that poem works better if you read "chocolate" as 2 syllables...
Nice one, Pinkerbell. Chocolate is two syllables, ent it?
@Pinkish, then should it be choc-late or choc-lut?
personally I like the 3 syllable, vertical O for the line:
'Then cloak me in chocolate truffle roulade'
but then I spose I would, wouldn't I?
File I think it's choc-lut, but really it should be all the syllables and every syllable...everything should be chocolate. Personally I'd like to curl up in that chiller cabinet in that first picture!
Good poems all! I knew MM was partial to cake, but I think we've found Misha's weakness also!
Chocolat [sho-ko-la]
Trois syllabes.
Répétez aprés moi.
Cho-co-lat.
Merci.
sho-co-la, de rien:)
I just think, and sorry to go on about this, that there's something more decadent about indulging in the full cho-co-lat, although the French sh and la is nice too, perhaps sho-co-lat [andante, yet with intense obsession]
Chok-lat (N Yorks)
Chok-liit (Birmingham)
Choc-ah-luut (N Wales)
Chockerlut (Glos)
Chockerlurt? Wass that then? (Somerset)
The only valid accent in which to pronounce "chocolat" is Belgian anyway.
I usually pronounce it choccies, but then I've got a mental age of four, so i would.
Splendid poems, splendid pictures.
This is not a poem, nor does it rhyme, but all my life I have been searching for the perfect pink cake of my dreams.
Strawberry-flavour and pink dye have so far been big disappointments.
I think guava might be the answer.
Mimi, if easy and microwaveable are your only criteria, I can help. If you want easy, microwaveable AND delicious, that is more difficult.
Up here in the Far North, we don't actually use the word chocolate at all. All confectionary is just "sweeties" as all drinks are "juice" and yes, that description includes Irn Bru!
Munni: any recipes/hints/tips for micro puds welcomed.
The All Stars Chocolate Football club:
Van Houten (Ajax Amsterdam)
Charles Barry ( Sheffield FC)
Randolph Lindt (Berne Young Boys)
Frank Mars (Chicago Don't play football club)
charles Kohler (servette de Lausanne)
Philippe Suchard (Xamax Neufchatel)
Antoine B Menier (Club Chocolat Menier)
Henri Nestlé (Nespresso Sporting club)
Jean Neuhaus (FC Bruxelles)
Albert Poulain (Blois foot 41)
F;L Cailler (Servette FC) Manager:Brillat Savarin
la cream de la cream
...or a (slightly) healthier alternative as immortalized by (the very wonderful) Shonen Knife
Filou,
it's cool but let's stay on topicolat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvWACYfQQ20
besides the fillettes would have a kick out of it
thanks Gui, the fillettes are well acquainted with the battle cry "Kokolado!"
I'm a bit worried about your back four tho, won't they melt in a heated game?
a sip of Rufus for this time of night
...I was gonna link to this, then I didn't but now I have
chocolate Jesus File you look good with your hat on!
merci, here I am backstage with Bob (tho not sure about the Ali ref)
File, I love that Chocolate Jesus song, thought it was going to be some version of Plastic Jesus for a moment. I'm amused by the phrase "immaculate confection" and also by the fact the drummer seems to be playing a bit of old scrap!
I'm not sure about Rufus, cigarattes are about the only thing I've found that chocolate doesn't go with.
2 syllables - "Choc-lat":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zq0i_zIG0KY
4 syllables - cho-co-lart-ey:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbaRFShF_D0
Great links.
Here's a nice lady called Jamaica showing you how to prepare a heart attack:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxRSQEKJP0o
A cake that's goey, dark and sweet
will always find someone to eat
its dainty morsels. Tempting, Yum!
I wish that I could be the one...
Sorry, gooey - I was so busy dribbling, I missed the typo...
Microwave Sponge, for Mimi
125 g self-raising flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
125 g light brown sugar
125 g butter
2 eggs
Sift the flour and baking powder into a bowl, then add sugar, butter, and eggs. Beat until smooth and glossy.
Line a microwaveable container with greaseproof paper, and pour the mixture into this container, making sure the top is level. Microwave on full power for 5 minutes (I can't imagine that this is long enough, but it's what the recipe says). Let stand for 5 minutes, then remove from container and allow to cool. Sprinkle with icing sugar.
No room in the Chocolate XI for John Cadbury (Birmingham City)? Can we at least have him on the bench?
What's wrong with John Terry? (I should rephrase that)(on second thoughts).
MM "What's wrong with John Terry?"
[file snickers]
Manager - Dave Bassett
Nickname - The Toffees
Kit designed by Cocoa Chanel
...and, lest we forget, the "great" Hercules Profiterole
Maybe you could include on the subs bench a few of the gingerbread men made in Alan Shearer's own image, which are so popular in geordieland?
If they are not needed I'll polish them off ...
Muni,
John Cadbury, it's a good pick but he won't be available for a while.John is busy writing the "bible"
of animal-libération-A movement he created to protect animal rights against the bad guys, the circuses and the managers using the dog and Pony show ;;;
Par Saint Honoré
Patron des pâtissiers
J'avais presque oublié
Hercule des Rabids
aah, verse at last from the man from Moorea, and to think it was M.Profiterole what inspired it, sigh, warms the cockleses:)
Thank you for the recipe. I shall give it a try.
Aah, Hercules. Such memories. Reminds me of the days - they seem so long ago - when I had access to the England Dressing Room.
http://pseudscorner.blogspot.com/2007/04/another-tape-has-fallen-into-hands-of.html
How times change. Now instead of waiting anxiously for the next tapes to arrive, I hover here, thinking about chocolate and collecting recipes.
heady days eh Munni? So long ago, so far away. Still, as long as there's choclat to fill the gap!
Filou,
I can't help thinking of the Rabids as your own literary karmic sword of Damocles. One day, you will pay for the mental images you foisted on your readership.
Your Readership
Whoops, sorry Munni, I accidentally stole your identity.
Many apologies.
Readership,
ah, there you are. Your continued (and continually surprising) patience is appreciated. Revenge is a dish served etc..right?.
where you see Damocles I see Dionysius but I think we can agree about the sword(s)
f-
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