Please note that the work on this blog is the copyright of the writers and may not be reproduced without their permission.

Wednesday 21 July 2010

The Meltonian Gene -- by Meltonian





Back in my Gloucestershire childhood,
the one thing that gave me a scare
was the two-headed lamb which stood
at the top of my granny’s stair.

It was in a plate-glass cabinet,
topped off by a castor-oil plant,
buffed like a dowager’s lorgnette
by my ancient four-armed aunt.

I gave it to the dustbin man,
but though it was totally sick,
my six-eyed uncle loved that lamb,
and granny’s eight legs were too quick.

So it stood in its usual place
with its dead eyes and its dandruff
and every time I hid my face
twelve fingers just weren’t enough.

.

33 comments:

mimi said...

You're sure this happened in Gloucestershire?
Sounds more like the Forest of Dean to me.

Zephirine said...

Mm, I was thinking more Norfolk...

mimi said...

God damn - Forest of Dean, Norfolk or Otmore.
Someone could play a mean banjo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uzae_SqbmDE

Anonymous said...

Norfolk? Sounds more like Mordor...

freep said...

Twelve fingers? Did you eat the fingers off the other foot?

Meltonian said...

There actually was a two-headed lamb at the top of my granny's stairs, though I found it fascinating rather than repulsive. My cousin, who was a couple of years younger than me, was terrified of it. When we were both staying at the house I put it next to her bed while she was asleep. The screams the next morning were very satisfying. Oh to be 25 again!

file said...

surely this poem is far less superfluous than the sum it's parts.

Traditionally, your hexocular uncle excepted, Melton, there does seem to have been a lack of mutative imagination. Where are folk with five noses, seven tongues, three torsos? And why are genitalia not represented? "DodecaDick: The Man with...", "Doris's Orifices" (Although I fail, I do try to be polite, is that my coat?)

mimi said...

Meltonian: I assume this was a stuffed lamb, not just non-ambulatory?

Meltonian said...

I can confirm your assumption, mimi. Anything alive and catchable within 100m of my granny's house was in the oven before it could bleat, squeak or squawk.

Odd numbers are in Part II, file.

mimi said...

I am fired - I like Lou Reed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZgYIgQ21Gk&feature=related

mimi said...

I am on the train
oooh http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhMO8luFdi8&feature=related

mishari said...

mimi, I am also on the train:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jih2yQgnh2Y

DoctorShoot said...

even with twelve fingers I couldnt do a sheepshank or a clove hitch, and and with eight legs I would still kick wide of the goal...

two heads on the other hand might have been handy, or footie, given the requisite polish...

but my only discernable genes of any value were an uncle (uncle gene of course) and a thick pair which prevented a chainsaw from chopping my thigh... spelt different of course

and on the matter of spelt, Im wondering if genetically modified (read deliberately mutated) spelt would crop circle as efficiently as wheat or corn...

I see the woolaston grange special has a double helix reference - is this the meltonian factor born into a new form?..

there are questions to be asked if only that two headed sheep could speak...

DoctorShoot said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYV316SkOXE

of course, sorry

Zephirine said...

"In 2009, BBC News reported that Lara Giddings, the attorney general for the island state of Tasmania, stated that Australian wallabies had been found creating crop circles in fields of poppies after consuming some of the opiate-laden crop and running in circles."
(Wikipedia)

So now we know.

mimi said...

Mish - I love that link.

DoctorShoot said...

but alarmingly Zeph Mr Rockliff also stated, in an inquiry into crop security:
"....and there have been many stories about sheep that have eaten some of the poppies after harvesting and they all walk around in circles,”

as with eating morphine-laden poppies, and sheep circlers under alien influence, two heads are better than one...

this is taking the meltonian meltdown to an international level... although Tasmania has a peculiar tradition of extra thumbs and body parts...

mimi said...

Is Tasmania the New World's Norfolk? Do they have doctors writing NFT in the notes rather than NFN? We all know what that means.

DoctorShoot said...

mimi
up the Lyell highway from new norfolk in tasmania is the heart of black bob country from whence the mythology stems, but most of the big crop circles around there were made by the roar of huge clear-felling chainsaws and forest clearers using monster drag-chains...
likely the aliens would be unimpressed with that sort of planetary management and would look for greener pastures to do their art...

guitou said...

Great link for amazing DNA mutation cases:

http://www.clickorlando.com/slideshow/news/5812538/detail.html?qs=1;s=1;dm=ss;p=news;w=400

any suggestion for diner tonight anyone?

DoctorShoot said...

wow Gitou
oh yes
now that is a high calling... though one hopes that the snake does not have a nature call during the act... a gag from the mc could prove fatal!!

DoctorShoot said...

the yin yang design of the two reptiles passing through the passages is a clear reference to: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1189518/Mesmeric--elaborate-creation-Wiltshires-crop-circle-capital.html

guitou said...

Doc,
you're right, I never thought about the probability of poisonous shit. Wouldn't that be the worst of both worlds?
Regarding the Yin Yang design: fascinating.

Zephirine said...

The yin yang crop design is beautiful, the snakey thing is eeewwww! I didn't even watch the video, just the still pic was quite enough, yuk.

file said...

writ a short story which isn't unrelated to the direction this thread's taken, it's called He Wend a Widening Gyre.

guitou said...

Filou;
Brillant but you have to explain the wave equation or should we read Lupasco?

file said...

cheers Guitou,
something like: if everything radiates away from the centre (a centred person?), centrifugally, then the centre becomes a mighty lonely place (inertia), unlike centripetal forces which draw us all into a centre (like a job centre) and generate energy thermally, kinetically and, er, by drag (downward sloth, rather than transvestite energy a.k.a fizz). Do hope this is clear.

file said...

btw G, you might recognize bits of Poise

guitou said...

thanks File, love the Dubonnet poster almost as much as its quinquina. Nice capture of the provincial french atmosphere, sounds like you read Pagnol or Alphonse Daudet.

file said...

you're very welcome G, it's an old poster. I can't decide whether that cat wants to get its paws on the quinquina or the lady. Sounds, too, can be deceptive!

Zephirine said...

Great stories, Filo.

file said...

Cheers, Zeph, again! Perhaps I shouldn't have lunk to them on Melton's thread though. Widening G is getting a major rehashing...

bistee said...

best replica bags q26 c3h43f2q43 replica ysl bags t28 d8q74g4u68 replica gucci i44 h1x07g9d20