.
we were both bleeding from the gums
when we met
malnourished neglected amateur experts
solitary technicians with bad reputations
unsanitary practices and stuffed filing cabinets
inflamed with infected
bloody case histories
of traumatized ex-patients
anaesthetized and ethereal
we did what we knew
what we thought we had to do
the internal probing of each others tissue
for live nerves in latex gloves
with sharp metal instruments
extracting wisdom detritus
and drilling for goodness
sake in crimson caves
we wore headlamps
on our foreheads
because we cared
we shared our padded vinyl reclining chairs
that fit snug stuck
to our clammy forms
for oral audit both aware
of all the tense fingers that had
clutched clinched there
before us in fear the others like us
that had clamped shut their eyes
and opened wide
and hoped in aching desperation for relief inside
sigh
another filling another failure
dental records never lie
we worked hard on our smiles
with laughing gas by rank canals
and bridges in decay
but our ether embrace
hid the grace
less
ness of our pain
we lost the whiteness that defined us
in the unwinnable
war against stains
deniable accountability
in luminous braces
time and patience past
trust
started missing appointments
hope stopped payments
our rosy dreams lay caked
at the bottom of our glasses
we took to meeting
in the waiting room
between Hello! and Home and Garden
gnashing grinding
second-hand false teeth
felt crammed in didn’t fit
malocclusion wince
rinse
spit
.
Please note that the work on this blog is the copyright of the writers and may not be reproduced without their permission.
112 comments:
it's the tooth I tells ya
Yay! Dentists of Love! My favourite soap opera.
By the way, Filou, just a question: Is it safe?
it's a bit long isn't it?
no, I'd say it wasn't safe, recommend flossing (have you tried Rabbit Brand?)
But, is it safe?
Why is the word 'occlusion' so horrible?
Very good, Dr File, in a thoroughly uncomfortable kind of way.
er... is there a hidden agenda behind this question?
Rabbit Brand dental floss is most definitely not safe for the rabbits
oops, cross commented, wondered why Offie was so concerned with his safety while happy to swim with the sharks (Les Dents de la Mer)
thanks patient Zeph (hope it didn't hurt you more than it hurt me)
btw/ love the new mascot, aren't we all faithful parrots when it comes down to it?
good lord, file, this is terrifying, and that's coming from someone who always secretly sort of liked going to the dentist.
zeph, your new mascot - is it a perro-t?
how relationships can go horribly wrong ... but what's truly terrifying to me Munni is how anyone can like going to the dentist!!!
Munni,
the new mascot is a parrot-weiler.
Filou,
is it safe?
Offie, please elucidate; is what safe?
Just tell me. Is it safe?
marathon man said it's safe if you keep your mouth shut.......another tale to tell.
Aw Guitou, you spoilsport film buff. I wanted to torture him a little longer. I'm sure he would have told all he knows.
Allright, here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG5Qk-jB0D4&feature=related
O, I thought I had but I'll change my answer to Yes if you waive my liability for any harm you may come to
or even:Yes, it's safe, it's very safe, it's so safe you wouldn't believe it/No. It's not safe, it's... very dangerous, be careful.
at last the penny/sous drops, thanks Guitou
I'll tell you all I knew without torture Offish, here goes
.
Munni
a perro - que?
or a labrakeet.
un perrodog,un perro que esta un parrot pero que esta tambien un perroquet.
ah the peaceful evolutionary progress of dental medicine mr file...
treading in the stylish footsteps of the great Gunther Grass...
however the line:
"and drilling for goodness
sake in crimson caves"
has scared me away from my next appointment... now cancelled thanks to you... phew...
and cancelled gleefully in spite of the beautiful nurse who touches my arm so gently with her long cool fingers and crisp fingernails...
she whispers 'Spit' in my ear and I remind myself not to fall in love again, especially with my mouth in such a position...
if only I thought she would kiss me on the forehead I would re-book, but nothing I fear can overcome the thought of that back tooth with the incorrectly grown nerve, and...
aaaargh!!!
don't remind me doc, I still have to see one here
just beware, if your beautiful nurse does grace your sweating brow with a kiss, the perils of entering into oral intimacy
ps/Doc, does your nurse really whisper 'spit in my ear'?
That doesn't sound very safe.
Uncomfortable reading, file, for one not happy in the dentist's chair, but gives much pause for thought regarding analogies.
On another dental point - anyone else noticed over the years the strange aptness of dentists' names? In my time I've come across Messrs Savage, Hole, Picket,Sharp and Peggity.
filo
you naughty naughty boy
you had me scrambling to check my punctuation but I see you are only teasing me with your exciting and unsanitary tittilations (without going into too much detail regarding girls in uniform etc..)
Mimi
I have been to a surgeon of name Dr Cutter, but our dentist here is safely named Dr Hammer (misplaced refugee from carpentry one supposes)
sorry Docker, must have misread that
details of girls in uniforms mmm; those sensible shoes, crisp starched white blouses, the hair tied up, the button left undone ...
...more uncalled for name games: Doctor Offside, ShotinTahiti, The Right Reverend Munni, Dame Mimilicious, Detective Inspector Guitougoal and (lest we forget) Wing Commander Zephirine (o and citizen file)
Unsurprisingly, Doctor Offside is an anaesthetist. If he wants you to snuff it, all he has to do is... puff it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k9qsovdNUk
Sweet dreams!
aha the superanaesthatised naturalist
island hopper with cocoanut alcahol...
and those hosties...
:-)
Ah, Genesis. Haven't thought of them for years - which is, I think, a Good Thing!
For years I've been wanting to name a dog Fidel.
Doc,
"hosties"? English word? Slang? Please enlighten.
snot English as far as I know DocOff, must be Australian (which bears no relation to the real thing...as far as I know)
are hosties like toasties or pasties?
superanaesthetised naturalist is that like an meta-ephemeral botanist?
Snot is a fine old english word, file!
Though I was with you on wondering if hosties were something like pasties. Or toasties.
Though toasties now are sold in supermarkets as a kind of towelling slipper thing.
Gah - language. What a confusing trap it can be.
It's a French word actually, for that stuff they give you at communion (Host). But I don't think that's what the (real) Doc meant...
they gave you snot at communion Doctor Offtapus? No wonder you hide in the colonies
language is a snaggle-toothed snare mims, for sure it is
Yeah, just call me Oftapussy, why don't you?
Language is also a snuggle-soothed bear, and why not.
Where's the octafluffy?
I like that language is a labyrinth of complex meanings. It means that even if someone seems mean, you can worm through meanings and find something nice.
Can't you?
the 'hosties' referred to by this pseudo-md interlocuteur is most certainly intended as slang abbr. for those often sweet (usually f.) persons who pass along the aisles offering tit-bits for air travellers (having awkwardly demonstrated how to inflate a round-the-neck thingy which fortunately no longer buckles up between the legs)...
they ('hosties') are often the source of fantasy for weary travellers who are often experts in the cut of a blouse and other such trivial matters of uniform code, esp. when pretending to stare at work on the laptop, or play in flight games, has become tiresome etc...
the use of 'pasties' not normally associated with regular 'hostie' kit, however can be included in fantasy as required...
Ahhhhhhh, air hosties, I get it now. Best I've seen were the Vietnam Airlines ones. Great uniforms, fantastic food, smoking section at the back. Heaven, literally.
mmm spicy Vietnamese hosties with the mosties buckling up their octapussy's between the legs, I'm getting all distracted now...
only the English would ever eat towelling slipper things surely mimi?
The English and the starving.
Actually, maybe you're right.
File - the towelling slipper things were never (I hope) designed to eat! They were a play on words/emotions. Toastie toes are warm so call these things the same. Then people will buy and get a warm glow.
Much as some get a warm glow from thinking of hot hosties - in the Doc sense!
Personally, I was most disappointed to find that Qantas no longer has the cutest trolley dollies of the air. So much for progress, eh?
hmm hostie pasties and toasted trolley dollies ...
is any of this safe?
Apart from eating Mimi's slippers, yes, everything else is safe, provided you're equipped with the right gear to slip on should the thingy that buckles between the legs come unstuck.
oh dear
now I'm buckling at the thought...
hostie, another toasty pastie please
and a double scotch if you dont mind
smoking secton where?..
bad michael jackson and worse air hostess...
what some people will do to keep a flagging airship up there
with sinceresst apols and yes zeph if you need to ban me...
let me buckle first then eject me gently :-)
after posting this clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct-s39C6ulU
Doc, I'm fine with you rampaging quietly round a deserted plane alone with your fantasies but when you let Britney Spears in here I may have a problem...
Oh Doc - talk about lowering the tone of the thread!
this Britly Spears woman... she didn't really do much for air hostesses in the end did she in that clip...
I'll have to get another clips adviser (or watch them first before posting)...
glad i missed this part, who knows where
I would have landed with your cuties hosties panties story, probably in lala land with doc and file ,eating the towelling slipper things.
guito
they are deli=cious
and there's even a couple of toenails in one,.. or tapir shavings or something peppery..
we "malnourished neglected amateur experts (solitary technicians with bad reputations)" must take what little fare is on offer...
Oh no - not Tapir, surely.
My past comes back again, to haunt me. What a terrible thing I did to that poor beast.
Toothpick, anyone?
Offie - you are undone. Do not hide in Zeph's zone. You have made a cricket comment, publicly.
And I feel like a character in Brighton Rock and cleave to you saying: You are Kolly Kibber and I claim my five pounds.
Which I will then go and squander at some squalid bookies on some wretched nag in the 2.20 at Kempton. And so gamble away the week's earnings that should be spent on the wretched urchins in wretched rags.
Gah - life is tough.
And - hey well, all of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OU7Nezg7Ls
One of these days ....
Mimi,
so what if I like to hide in Zeph's zone? You can claim your five pounds all you like, I might give you five Pacific Francs, if you're nice.
And if you put on those sharksin boots.
Shark-sin!?!
Oh my, interesting slip, there.
Sharkskin.
"Sinning with Sharks", hmm, there has to be a movie there somewhere...
i like to do it, it would be like an autobiography;
I'd like to share this clip, for several reasons:
I've just discovered it and it's a catchy little tune;
To cleanse this thread of Doc's Britneyism;
It's got an interesting twist at the very end;
It ties in nicely with Filou's dentistry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sW6TqO8ipv4&feature=related
She's certainly got more class than Br*tn*y....
The twist is interesting, it explains something visually which (as far as I can tell) isn't actually in the song, can't think of another video which does that.
mes mains,
caressent dans le soir
la forme d'un espoir
qui ressemble a ton corps
mes mains
caressent dans leurs doigts
des riens venant de toi
cherchant un peu de joie
very beautiful, merci beaucoup, aah les temps perdu, larme retrouve
Guitou, beautiful too, a poem of yours?
filou,
old Gilbert Becaud song lyrics by Pierre Delanoe-
Zeph,
you're right , it's not in the lyrics, but it does explain everything.
I've managed to lose mine last week. It's somewhere in the lagoon.
Don't let Mrs O watch that video, Offie, or she may wonder if there's another explanation:)
plus je t'embrasse,plus j'aime t'embrasser
You don't realise how big the Moorea lagoon is until you lose your wedding ring in it. I'd hate to have to catch and gut every single fish in there to retrieve it.
...but not as much as the fish who will probably hate to be caught and gutted en masse to help you
Good youtube. Certainly didn't see the twist at the end coming.
Makes you think ...
Though not necessarily good thoughts.
The fish don't mind. They're very helpful. Didn't hear a single cry of protest last time we set up the net in preparation for the va'a club annual party.
Don't know about the fish not minding it. Recent research has shown that caged fish - eg goldfish in bowls do mind it. A lot.
Education for me as I thought fish in bowls or little tanks were there as cat tv.
But then I'm a cat person.
I've carried out my own research and interrogated the fishes personally. If they did mind, they kept schtum about it.
I thought they were quite good natured.
Lets See The Twist Again
very tricky kittle youtube clip
didn't see chubby checker at all
must have blinked...
doc, it's twist again with a twist, like the lord of the ring is taking a different shape....
For no obvious reason, I felt like reminding us of this fine song.
And for no reason at all I give you this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxDVc80Z3FI
Oh oh oh oh, with your long blonde hair ....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXdNnw99-Ic
Heaven from hell
and for no particular reason I hope you old abbott and costello fans read this and have a chuckle:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
chucklechucklechucklcrash
Great Clip Zeph, sorely needed 'help from our Mum'!!
Doc, that's a post in it's own rite. 'Who's on first base? for the tech generation. Suggest Mr.Costello wraps his PC up warm in case it catches a virus.
whatever Doc is talking
"about cost a lot"
did you get this one poetic filou
I am the crocoduck G, I only get what I can catch!
coin coin! coin coin!
Guitou, you are the undisputed master of the bilingual pun...
blushing, "thank you zeph"
btw "about cost a lot for abbot costello",
was too much of a stretch for a crocoduck
far too many far too clever bastards here for my liking, didn't even realize there was a pun [abbott and costello/about cost a lot] till you pointed it out o zeph-a-line
my hat is off to you M. le Guitougoal - Roi de Pun
... didn't get Off's safe question either till it was made blatantly obvious, tho I got the ring , can you lot start putting asterisks (asterix?) on puns please for us dull mortals?
crocoducks only have short necks G, but sharp teeth
asterix or obelix?
... or crocodix?
...always identified most with Cacophonix the bard, Offster is obviously Unhygenix the fishmonger
... and in the upcoming movie of Asterix and the Other Stuff, Guitou should (imho) play Prolix the Soothsayer, non?
i like crocodix ou onze.
-offix the fishmonger is still looking under the blue lagoon water for the ring .
...oozing 'Precious? Come to Smeagol' while rubbing his hands together and flicking his tongue out
Hey, I can hear you, you know?
see; heightened senses, webbed fingers...
It was the 'coin coin' that got Guitou the award, I think I'm right in saying that 'coin coin' is 'quack quack' in French, clever stuff huh?
Here's a nice and indeed quite feasible, though short variation on the Ring.
Zeph,
you are the master of mind reading,I surrender, no more puns,
je ne pun plus.
I hates to draw attention to it, I really does, but Guitou's "best" effort this year in bi-lingual pun atrocity is at the bottom of the thread of File's "Life Story" 10-worder.
Petit swishhhhhhhh...
Gor blimey yes, petit suisse? that was pretty dire:)
please remember there are Very Stupid People here too, and have pity for pauvre filou; I knew (or thought I did) that coin coin = quack quack but the Punish nature of this comment completely eludes me...
But we can't stop Gui having his fun when he's given us all t-shirts and stuff, so M Tougoal, next time how about discreetly putting 'bpa' at the top of the comment (bilingual pun alert)?
bilingual pun alert? There's no need, there is at least one in every single one of his posts.
whilst all is not always what it seems at pseuds, and there is always other stuff on hand, wherever I find the skull and crossed bones - the ancient signal for marking both death and treasure - I shall know it is indeed a pseuds:
Paronomasia Signal Exclaimed; Unquestionably, Declaratively, Signified!
then I shall know, as maude did of harold when declaring herself mistress of his ring, that it's time for cross-lingual googling and what is lost at sea is lost and what is dug up is a quacking good cackle
will there be a pseuds/osser glossary to accompany all this then Zeph?
Not at all sure what the docker just said either, but he probably deserves beer for it
maybe it's just me getting an ear for Canukspeak but if doesn't end in eh? then it's just not registering eh?
Not sure what the faux-canuck just said, but I'll second the beer motion. Not just for the duck, sorry, the doc.
Cannot compete in the polyglot pun stakes, but must post this.
Munni, I hates to reminds you, but your "perro-t" caption for Fidel shows you can mixxx it with the worssst of usss in the Bi-lingual Pun Atrocity league.
Obviously confused by the multitude of rings, I started thinking Nibelung and got even more confused as England's erstwhile goalkeeper got in on the act.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZA2zGYkY-mM
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