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Friday 26 October 2007

God does exist. I've met him personally -- by Mrs Offside


This was one of those typical bright, sunny and peaceful mornings, where nothing could make you think of an extraordinary day.

Breakfast swallowed, I'm fighting hard with the literary difficulties (...) of the Software Help system I am so unbearably lucky to be translating. Maybe if I work hard enough I have my chances for the Goncourt.

Around 11am, the phone rings (rare enough around here to point it out). Because of the time difference, I already know it's not work related, which is a good enough reason to answer.
It's Laurent from the Diving Center. "No dives planned today", he says, "let's take the boat out and look for the whales".

I've caught a glimpse of them twice going diving, but never got a chance to see them close, so the help system does not weigh much in the balance.

We come out of the lagoon and head into the big blue, towards Temae, the north-east point of Moorea. During the first half-hour, not even the shadow of a humpback… but Moorea from the sea is pure enchantment, so eyes wide open, I just soak up the view.

Suddently, a big turmoil. A small boat has stopped a hundred meters from us and some typical spouts catch our attention. Gotcha! We have to move slowly if we don't want to scare them away. I am surprised to see people in the water and I do not understand why they have unfolded, underwater, what looks like a big white tarpaulin. I will need a few seconds to realise that what I see is in fact the white belly of a baby whale showing off, all happy to have company. Mum is watching from a few meters away.

I totally freak out. So do the whales, who swim away.

We will have to follow them for a good while because they don't seem inclined to stop for us. They swim fast, go deep down in the blue, but have to come back quite quickly because the baby whale cannot stay as long as Mum without breathing.

I eventually put on my mask and snorkel and immerse myself, without making too much noise nor movement, to have a closer look.

I leave the boat behind, and start kicking. They are roughly 50 meters away from me. I can see them perfectly if I keep my head over the water, but not underwater. I'm scared they'll go away now that I am closer than I have ever been. My heart is going crazy, the effort mixed with the adrenaline, it must be doing at least 120 p/m. I can hear my heart beat, and it's going fast... I kick, kick... I keep my head in the water.

Funny, I don't even realise that I am in the big blue, 4 000 meters of water below me, without diving suit nor air tank, in the middle of the Pacific, home of numerous species of sharks...
Blue, blue, and blue, that's all I see.

I kick harder.

And suddenly I see them, 10 meters away from me. The baby starts veering to the left to turn around his mother, white belly offered...

My heart jumps up to 200 p/m, a little more effort and I'm dead.

I feel small and ridiculous, insignificant and negligible compared to this huge and powerful mass, so graceful it leaves you breathless.

The mother moves in the "torpedo" position, head down, belly facing me. She goes down and disappears into the blue in a few seconds. I expect the baby to follow and keep staring at him, thinking he will shortly disappear too.

Not at all.

He finishes his 360° bend, turns himself into a high speed train and rushes at... me.

I suppose he perfectly saw me, but in doubt, I start kicking backwards, trying to move away in an instinctive, totally useless reflex of survival. He swims a million times faster than I do.
He passes by, less than a meter from me, shaking his fins, offering his white belly for a rub I cannot provide as I am totally petrified. I swear I felt my heart stop.

He is like an excited puppy, and obviously wants to play as he goes for another spin, faster than ever. Again, he passes by, less than a meter from me. Calming down my panic attack, I take the time to examine him, he must be 6 to 7 meters long, all grey and white.

It all happened in a blink, but I think I remember a glint of amusement in his left eye (big as a saucer) or maybe I just dreamt it.

I come out of my state of shock and stretch my arm trying to touch him. It’s already too late...
He turned around and went back to his mother, who had just reemerged from the depths. With just a few swishes of the tail, they are out of range.

Everything lasted a 3 minute eternity.

I climbed back up in the boat, all particles of my body in great agitation.
And like a typical girl...

I burst into tears.

170 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you,

guitougoal said...

I bet you there is at this moment, a whale swimming across the Polynesian triangle telling his friends the story of a tall blond with a mask and a snorkel.
"the Goddess exists I met her personally."

Anonymous said...

It was a typical NE Scots October morning - the sky incredible, red with weird cloud formations. One could imagine the Four Horseman galloping from Inverness. Work was OK for a few hours, then mildly vile. I came home, mildly angry. I came to the place of calm, peace and lovely things and Mrs O made me cry - but in a good way.

Thank you.

Zephirine said...

A lovely, vivid piece of writing, Mrs O.

I agree with Guitou - that young whale is probably still talking about you.

file said...

yes, compelling piece, what a title! Thanks Mrs.O

really reassuring to know that G is a male too

file said...

...er that is God, not Guitou, we all know that G is a salty old dog whose gender is unquestionable, but God had been keeping his cards close to his chest till he met the Mrs.O

guitougoal said...

filou,
geee you had to sweat this one out! lost your usual fluid motion in translation?

file said...

yes Gui, distracted by long-legged blonde babes in diving gear (oh yeah, and the presence of the divine being)

offsideintahiti said...

Read the title and thought this was about me and how we'd met (in a pub, if you must know), but it turns out it's about Mrs O finding her G-spot in a way I never could.

Story of O, or Histoire d'eau?

Anyway, I can confirm that with the humpbacks, you never forget your first time.

Anonymous said...

Hah! You couldn't hit a whale's g-spot with a banjo!

henrymoon said...

is gräfenberg spot
the place where a mountain meets
a count, in german?

Anonymous said...

How thrilling Mrs O!

I think I'd cry too.

guitougoal said...

I think file should be banned from deviating far away from the subject.
btw, what's a gspot? do you also have a gg spot?

Anonymous said...

recommanded professional advice about gspot, in my
last book:"Sexual Skills for the Christian Husband"
R.Erwim

tony said...

Beautiful telling of a wonderful event, Mrs O. Not sure I'd be able to maintain my usual masculine composure either.

guitou, a g-spot is something you can only reach with the aid of my new penis pills...

file said...

...you don't give details Tony, are they penis shaped, penis flavoured or for those who would like to grow one (or more)?

and I'm trying to enjoy the Chelsea stuff the shiteh 6-0 and all I can think about is WHY on earth anyone would want to go around hitting whales' g-spots with a banjo, that's gotta be a minority sport Shirley?

tony said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tony said...

file - they're for men who are tired of hearing "oh my gush, you're so small".

Minority sport? 50 million Frenchmen can't be wrong...

file said...

hmm, Jerry Lewis?

tony said...

Sophie Tucker. Btw, what's your interest in seeing city getting stuffed?

file said...

...only that they're living off the profits of cheating and duping some of the poorest people on the planet, nothing personal against the Other mancs

Chelsea score I cheer
For the first time in my life
I'm a Kind of Blue

guitougoal said...

file and tony,
you both should be banned.
Christian Dior.

MrsOffside said...

GSpot? banjos? penis pills? penis shaped? penis flavoured? well done guys, very impressive...
So, if I understand well,
BIG whales + GOD = PENIS
No wonder why the world is such a mess

Mister O, please keep my Gspot warm in your memory. That is the only place where you'll be able to access it from now...

ex-girlfriendoffside, you are a sick lunatic. Stay away from whales.

Professor Erwin, please urgently provide a copy.

Tony, "oh my gush, you're so small"? we NEVER stay that... That is humiliating. We'd rather say "Sorry dear, I just can't find it".

Thanks for your nice comments, I'm delighted you enjoyed the experience :-)

tony said...

guitou - that's not very christian. "Whatever happened to let he who is without sin cast the first stone"?

guitougoal said...

tony,
i thought he was crucified for saying it.But if you reach the g spot you'll hear his name.

file said...

Mrs.O,

have we just been disciplined?

lest we forget the other great equations of our times:

Big Whales + God + Vegetables = Mother

Big Whales - their G-spots but + banjos + straw hat = Jaws Formby

Jaws Formby + Vegetables - God = Celine Dion

Big Whales + Celine Dion + The Reverend Al Sharpton + God = Pious Crabs

...so that's cleared that up then, can I ask a question?

Now that your G-spot is located in Oxide's memory, have you noticed him cleaning his ears more often and with a slightly dopey look on his face?

offsideintahiti said...

I am soooo not getting into this...

guitougoal said...

obviously the poor offie is the one who has been banned.Hopefully he'll find some comfort with his favorite french wine.

file said...

er...

Big Whales + small fierce kittens - furry bits / nothing (x venom) + nihilistic fundamentalism + quantum mushrooms = me (at 37 deg)

Anonymous said...

don't worry about whales, got any pet rabbits?

Unknown said...

dear mrs. offside,
what an incredible tale, what an incredible experience...

i must confess i had a sneak preview and thought it is a perfect piece for pseuds. obviously, there is a possible conversation to be had regarding the 'sport' status of the writing (personally, i think it is unarguably sportswriting) but also, i think, pseuds is that little incy wincy bit more public than this wonderful place here, where so much great creative stuff is being generated.

i would love to read stuff like this in mainstream media - OSM springs to mind in the UK but there must be other publications round the globe, too. shucks, even GU would be enhanced by publishing this hemingwayette type.

and i don't mean in any way that Other Stuff isn't a superb platform - but i do feel this, and will say so at risk of pissing off some of my esteemed co-insurgents:

there is something a bit intimate about the way we are communicating here now, and therefore publication of an intelligent, moving and even spiritual account of an incursion into the ocean such as you have generously shared with us, runs the risk of getting lost in a thread where a gag about g-spots and penis pills seems to have taken over.

don't wish too sound too punitive from up here in the heights of the horse from where i type But.
surely. BOYS. c'mon now.

also, tony, the penis pills you speak off... you're not by any chance the arsehole who keeps overloeading my in-tray trying to sell similar, are you?

merci, madam offside, and perhaps if you changed your 'feather name' ... :)

file said...

I hear you Marcela, tho I don't think this beautiful article is going to get lost at all

it's all got a bit 'off-topic' but then what thread doesn't? Only the very short ones

but thanks for bringing us back with a (big) bang to the real deal and the reason we're all here

the title of your piece Mrs.O is an absolute steel Hook, I wonder if you could have explored it further in the piece? But it's a great read as it stands, what about a real plume?

offsideintahiti said...

DancesWithWhales

file said...

...would be a truly cool name...much better than banjo girl

tony said...

I'm not sure, marcela. I think all pseuds threads can end up as a 'taproom', depending on the mood of whoever's around. Mrs O's beautiful story is untainted, I think. The BOYS bit made me feel a bit guilty though...

I swear I never sent you any of those mails and if I ever meet someone who does send them I shall dedicate the rest of my life to their eternal misery as they fill my intray too.

Unknown said...

indeed, filus fillium... indeed. i love off-topic for the elixir that it is, and never meant to imply there is anything wrong with off-topicking or indeed toe picking. nor, for that matter, that the same wouldn't happen on pseuds or GU.

but it felt, coming in from the cold onto this one, that it went in a particular direction very quickly.

and seeing as our esteemed contributor has not been sharing her work with us for so long, it seemed a little bit ungracious to leap in and turn it into an over 18 taproom quite so soon.

i mean, if you were to put up your own version of ullyses, we would all silently agree on its intellectual merits and i would have no qualms just asking outright at the earliest possible opportunity if anyone actually believes in the g-spot. or the gg-spot.

but mrs offside... i for one would love to have her hang around longer.

sorry about the bang. i meant for it to be a whimper :)

Unknown said...

oops... missed yous all.

thank you, tony. for a moment i dreaded the notion that those internet firends one is avoiding might be the very ones one is seeking... in disguise

aaggghhh.

so. anyone else met Dog either under water or in outer space?

tony said...

Not dog, marcela, but the dharma body is living in the hedge at the bottom of my garden.

Zephirine said...

Ah, Marcela, thank you - I was just reading through this thread and thinking "shit, I ought to say something about this, Mrs O has written a beautiful piece about her transcendent experience with a magnificent creature of the deep and all the guys can do is talk about sex (and football)".

Of course it doesn't have to be best behaviour on here but - well, what Marcela said.

However I do feel impelled to point out that the person who first lowered the tone of the discussion was, erm, the lady's husband.

I also thought this piece should be on the main Pseudscorner site, but the author said she preferred it here.

Incy wincy bit more public - not exactly - we went up to 100 visitors during the i-kus but Pseuds gets about 1000!

file said...

...has anyone Not met Dog?

btw, my version's called Ollyses and Dedalus is ooold and has dodgy plates of meat with mould and you and all Others would be welcome to terrorize that thread with GiGi-spots of all intensities

the pseuds tradition of only writing Dog is .... diplomacy/respect/fripperance forsooth or what exactly? Jus asking

do you think folk intuit God or are just conditioned that there is one?

offsideintahiti said...

Looks like a perfectly fine thread to me.

offsideintahiti said...

And that includes your interventions, Marcela and Zeph.

I just feel that I might meet Dog face to face if I could get to the bottom (sorry) of HenryMoon's haiku.

Anonymous said...

In Scotland this summer on a boat trip to the Isle of Muck we encountered a pod of about 9 Risso's dolphins. They are quite big and have snub noses - are very whale-like in fact. The young ones were breaching and slapping their tails and flippers.

My kids were in heaven.

As for me? Well I am a little indifferent to animals most of the time. I, like some others here, often think of food and recipes when I see an animal. But seeing these elegant creatures lolling around as a family in such beautiful surroundings I could only think of how happy they seemed. When all is said and done, how much better does life get than having fun with your family or friends? I'd much rather do that than climb mountains or go to the moon.

I do like it when animals appear to be having a good time rather than just existing (do lizards ever just mess about for example?).

Living in Moorea sounds like fun.

offsideintahiti said...

Insider's report from the Offside Hut:

In case anyone is worried about Mrs O's sensitivities, she's giggling like a lunatic as she reads the tread.

file said...

thanks for that Oxi, Marcela did have a point tho (no pun intended)

MrsOffside said...

No problem at all with off-topicking, penises and banjos (as far as they are used the normal way). I'm having a great time reading you all and did not imagine a second my modest piece of writing could generate such passion.

Marcella, Lady Zephirine, I will surely stick around, but do not expect too much, the writer in this family is definitely Mister O.

Publish on Pseud? I'm flattered.

File,
Disciplined? Never in a million years ! And sorry, but I just LOVE Jerry Lewis (specially in The Lady's Man)
Dopey Face... he'll love it, thanks!

Zephirine said...

That's good to know, Offie (I think? er - how much like a lunatic, exactly?) but here she is The Writer and attention must be paid...

I like the way everybody says Dog, I've always thought it was a mix of diplomacy and frivolity which seems very Pseud to me.

Mimi sent me a lovely piece about dolphins which I hope she'll post as a comment when she gets to the thread.

file said...

btw, bluedaddy thanks for sharing your lovely experiences too, don't know any recipes for dolphin

in a Strange but True moment, my only experience of dolphins in the wild was on a little boat to Koh Mook (which has gotta be translated as the Isle of Muck except this one's in the south of Thailand and has an emerald cave)

fillette was only 2 and fillet was still embedded internally and we'd thought it was going to be a ferry affair, but it was a little longtail phut-phut thing heading out to a dot in the ocean

I love the whole dolphin stylee thing they've got going on but when they start wanting to shoulder barge the toothpick you're on at sea it's a whole different ball game....Aussie rules maybe

but you're absolutely spot on about fiends and formerlys

offsideintahiti said...

BD,

I'm the first to think "pepper sauce" whenever I see a cow or a tapir, but I utterly fail to comprehend how anyone could think of food upon meeting a whale (unless they were VERY hungry).

The fact that the Japanese, Inuit and other peoples do tells me it's down to culture. And I can even almost accept it (at least intellectually), especially if the hunting is traditional and not done on an industrial scale.

But when you come into close contact with such gentle giants, and swim with them for a while, whale hunting just becomes incomprehensible and hideous. I believe they are as close to perfection as it's possible to get in the animal kingdom. The silent, deep-bass buzz they generate in the water made me feel like I was seeing creatures that live in a different dimension of time.

They should be left in peace.

And at the risk of sounding a little hippyish:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXE2JrqFxUs

Anonymous said...

hey don't worry guys, I should be the only one to blame if I may speak in human terms.As the creator of the universe I provided the woman kind higher idealistic values therefore She may serve you with proper notice when needed.
But if She looks with a poetic eye, she can see that it makes sense that you want an erotic attachment with everything.

Zephirine said...

Talking of animals just messing about: here's an otter

guitougoal said...

I have no idea what this dog is talking about.
Yes Dolphins and Whales should be left free, it's a privilege to be able to watch them and to enjoy their exquisite beauty as we may here in southern california.

offsideintahiti said...

Hey! A comment from Dog himself. Well, I'll be damned.

Swimming with whales is definitely a sensual, sense-heightening experience. I also heard they're partial to a bit of banjo playing and i'm sure they love the tuba.

guitougoal said...

I suspect Dog himself created the goddess graced with the charisma to lead the bloggers to higher standards. Perhaps that was a reminder.

Anonymous said...

Oi you lot! I may have gone all New Testament, but I've still got a thunderbolt or two up my sleeve. Remember the third, lest you really piss me off.

guitougoal said...

what about a story of Jacques Cousteau in Antibes?

offsideintahiti said...

According to the latest news, he's still dead.

guitougoal said...

did you know about his frequent visits in Antibes?

offsideintahiti said...

Do you mean at the Marineland park?

I've been to the Musée Océanographique de Monaco many times when I was a kid. I'd read most of his books as well at the time, but the recent revelations about him paint a less than pleasant picture. Some of his scientific "methods" were very dodgy too, apparently.

guitougoal said...

very much so...during the 60's his company "calypso" was funded by Sir Loel Guiness-through "l Chantier Naval d'Antibes" owned by Guiness group.The same group was producing the movies and tv series but Cousteau never kept his committments and they dumped him.

offsideintahiti said...

And now La Calypso is rusting away in some obscure harbour in Brittany. They should sink it and turn it into an artificial reef.

tony said...

Absolutely, offie. Sounds like a case for the French secret service...

offsideintahiti said...

Indeed, tony, and they recently had their name changed to the French Service.

guitougoal said...

speaking about dolphins, they will be some in Wembley today wearing helmets and pads,
not swimming but trying to catch a ball in the end zone.

offsideintahiti said...

Thanks for the transition, Guitou. If the French Service are a bunch of bungling eejits (and they are, by all accounts), what do we make of this crew of American experts:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFwxH3PPWiU

Warning: it's on-topic, but I apologise in advance.

guitougoal said...

That's what we call blowing it!

offsideintahiti said...

Or messing up.

file said...

thas horrrible

offsideintahiti said...

But that's a blast, non?

file said...

a blast oui, gives a whole new and unexplored dimension to the nihilistic fundamentalism I referred to earlier; Dog is dead, but what do we do with the corpse?

I think I preferred the Yes and "they are as close to perfection as it's possible to get in the animal kingdom. The silent, deep-bass buzz they generate in the water made me feel like I was seeing creatures that live in a different dimension of time." which is also very beautiful non?

offsideintahiti said...

"Dog is dead, but what do we do with the corpse?"

Great line, and easy answer: send in the Americans!

henrymoon said...

@offside
sorry for the impenetrable haiku. i often fall into the trap of letting the reader do the legwork for no tangible reward. at least it's condensed into a few lines rather than a whole book, mind. however, as guardian blogs have unjustly banned me for an offending haiku at the end of last week, i'll be expressionless for a while until my pride readjusts its aching pair and i re-emerge as hm2 or something even less meaningful. over a weekend of pagan parisian parties, mrs offside has set me dreaming about warm blue seas... now back to my kalahari bushmen. later.

Zephirine said...

Sorry to hear about the banning, Henry, of course you're always welcome here and on Pseudscorner.

henrymoon said...

Thanks, Zeph. It's hard to imagine a more generous-spirited and eclectic forum, full of people who evidently write for money AND for pleasure. It's enough to put a smile on the face of my wheezing old hard drive... Bon dimanche !

tony said...

Henrymoon eclipsed
by mundane moderators:
rise again on pseuds.

guitougoal said...

Tony,
moon rise, moonlight, moon shadow, eclipse , how romantic,(c'mon boys=girl in a bad moon), considering the influence of the moon on the deep blue we're still on topic.

Unknown said...

i say 'dog' from the
other side of the mirror
more often than not...

henrymoon banned. sheeeet.

maybe we can have the haiku wot did it over here - attempt to deconstruct it collectively. or instead of the i lettering it could be printed on a G. or maybe the dot on the i should be a G (is it a G-spot; a German count; a Grauniad community off-shoot??)

mr. moon, like offside i am a regular reader of your work on thread and may i take this opportunity to thank you especially for the 'CREWE is an acronym...' one. it makes me laugh to this day.

it was a busy thread so i didn't post at the time that it reminded me of travelling by train around spain as a teenager - RENFE was then an acronym for Rogamos Exxx Nuestros Ferrocarriles Estropeados, or something like that. and what the second E refers to i can't remember.

Tony, anyone else round there, have you ever heard of that?

Unknown said...

guitou:

"girl in a bad moon"?

:))

listen, don't forget the Goddess Moon/Sun is the reason for us all being here ~)

tony said...

Guitou - "girl in a bad moon" nice one.

Marcela - Rogamos Empujen...

Zephirine said...

translation for non-Spangle speakers please?

tony said...

Sorry Zeph, you're right. It means something like "you are requested to push our broken down railway system".

guitougoal said...

How can we forget the Goddess,
Dolphins have been swimming freely in the world's ocean since the begining, and Moon goddess have been worshiped for possessing such vital magic as directing their migration.
Boys will be always boys and if the Moon make them feel slightly "lunatic" g spoting and g chating where the deep blue water temperature is above normal, the Moon goddess appears and rules.
She use her fancy writting and wave her magic to show the boys with her maternal instinct , how to swim with the tide of the oceans.
Girls have a mystique, much like the moon who changes in cycle,yesterday bad moon girl appears to be today's good moon girl.

guitougoal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

aahh, Rogamos Empujen... of course.

sorry, zeph, about the slip into spanish. won't happen again, i promise. :)

i've been trying to dig deeper into the archives of memory re dolphins and or whales. sadly, i only encountered the vivid and enduring images of whales beached just along from my stepmother's house in uruguay. usually they were already dead, and sometimes even partly slaughtered by a combination of kids jumping up and down on them and municipal workers attempting to get them off the sand...

altogether quite different from the Offsides' descriptions, so full of life.

but then again, we would invariably run up to the scene, a possy of siblings and friends, shrieking with a mixture of wonder and fear...

"When all is said and done, how much better does life get than having fun with your family or friends?". Amen, bluedaddy. Amen.

one all at anfield, guitou. what does that tell us about the Godess' mysterious ways?

Zephirine said...

No problem about the Spanish (or any other language), but it's nice to have a hint of what the joke is:)

I now have a vision of a young Marcela jumping up and down on a dead whale....

Unknown said...

precisely :)

Anonymous said...

Is Henry Moon the Henry Moon? That would be both exciting and disturbing. Zeph mentioned my dolphin thing, but it wasn't that exciting for others - obviously was for me, but there you go.
I'm more moved tonight to think of our seals. At Findhorn. There's a whole load of them there, they hang out of the sand bar. Rolling around in the sun - as seals do. Looking rather cumbersome - but with the babies who are so sweet and furry. Then they slither into the sea, and suddenly lose all clumsiness. They are so beautiful in the water, elegant and lithe. So different from their land-based existence. When I can't find dolphins at home, I go looking for the dog-faced seals.

offsideintahiti said...

Hold you head high, HenryMoon. Greengrass got banned for a limerick, and Ebren for a song. There is life after your first ban, or so I'm told, being a virgin in these matters. If doubt creeps in, ask TravisMarvinHanniballReed. Come back soon to GU as H.M.S.Haiku, or in any other guise, we'll recognise you.

Mimi, sorry for doing smut, innuendo and g-sports while you were away. Won't happen again, promise.

Zephirine said...

btw Guitou and Marcela, did you know that the dying words of the painter Turner were: "The sun is God"?

guitougoal said...

zeph,
he was probably dead when he said it.

Zephirine said...

Finally got the answer, you think?

Anonymous said...

Mrs. O, this is a wonderful story. They are quite awe-inspiring enough from boats, I can only imagine being close enough to communicate. (By the way, I first read this on Saturday, when I was feeling rather annoyed with men generally and just didn't feel up to joining the conversation. Not that I have anything against frank discussions of g-spots and banjos)

Marcela, I really don't think I want to hear the answer, but I can't stop myself from asking: were they bouncy like trampolines, the dead whales?

offsideintahiti said...

Dead whale trampoline for Munni:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEfahy3l0QM

And at least, no one mentioned g-spots and sperm whales in the same sentence.

Oh shit.

Unknown said...

it is perhaps not without irony that rather than actually jump and down on the whale itself, what most kids seemed to do was jump and down on its testicles...

personally, I never did try it out. just stood and stared - the enormity of death; the enormity of life.

i also remember being taught at school, aged about 8 or 9, that whales were killed to make soap. have been ideologically against soap ever since :)

offsideintahiti said...

A whale's testicles?
The biggest load of bollocks
I've ever heard of.

henrymoon said...

whale balls - detergent
that could be a deterrent
unless you're queequeg

Anonymous said...

HenryMoon if you
see Queequeg please tell him the
captain wants a word

Unknown said...

anyone notice
how i missed the 'up' both times
when trying to jump?

henrymoon said...

there's an up in jump
an another up in jump.
pyjama time now.

Unknown said...

orsay - typed 'testiculo' and 'ballena' in the image searcher hoping to aid you...

but all i got was this lousy sperm dish

guitougoal said...

bad, malo, feo, vilain,
the islanders sexual obsession is due to the surrounding of mammals-excusable in your case-
but could be considered as an incitation for the "boys" from abroad to bring more propositions for the g spot definition. That's a high risk to get spanked again by the Moderator cantabile if she is in a bad moon.

Unknown said...

please henrymoon, before you get your jim jams on, share the banned haiku with us...

for anthropological research purposes, you understand

henrymoon said...

"bitches eat their runts
now anthropomorphize that
or stroke the dogma"

guitougoal said...

Henry,
this is perfectly on topic right here.....on gu.i leave that evaluation for the experts..

tony said...

Henrymoon - you were banned for that? You should have been knighted. When I think of all the 'this article is crap/get a life/how much were you paid for this? comments GU accepts, it makes me want to...

Nighty night all...

Unknown said...

adu believe we may have found the pseud's tee logo at long last... :)

i'll be darned. if that's banneable, well, like tony says...

offsideintahiti said...

HenryMoon,

what was the context?

Marcela,

esperma de pez, seriously! And then you have the cheek to ask us to behave, lol. That's one for the taproom Bar Menu... on Ladies' Night.

Unknown said...

well, i just wanted noted for the record, Mr GuitouJustice from the Court of King Crimson, that it is yet again HE - Orsay Offie - who started it. HE has now introduced cheeks to an already delicate situation...

you can't expect me to find that delicacy on-line and not share with you, now can you?

stroke the dogma, bros

Zephirine said...

Henry, perhaps the moderator doesn't know what a runt is.

Btw the phrase 'get a life' is actually banned on OtherStuff, along with 'get real' and 'get over it'. We don't need that kind of unpleasantness here.

offsideintahiti said...

I got a life once. It's not all it's cracked up to be. I got over it.

MrsOffside said...

Am I gonna win
Highest number of comments
Contest in this blog?

Unknown said...

first the cheeks,
now the crack...

honestly, orsay :)

Señora Orsay:

It's not quantity
But quality that matters
yes. you're the winner

offsideintahiti said...

If you do, you can
celebrate with today's cock-
-tail special, which is:


Alligator Sperm

1/2 oz Melon liqueur
1/2 oz pineapple juice
1 tsp cream


Pour equal parts of Melon liqueur and pineapple juice into a shot glass. Top off with a touch of cream, and serve.

guitougoal said...

actually being ignorant and illiterate in English as I am can be very convenient, you never get frustrated.
I thought "get a life" was a compliment and was happy to see so many people caring...

guitougoal said...

the alligator's cock and tail? and what about the teeth, you make a neckless for the bride?
this is wild, I am glad Tony went to bed , File is grounded and Mimi is watching the seals.This thread could turn into the worst Safari-Taproom contest ever,

offsideintahiti said...

Well, SHE tried to pin the blame on me, but I'm not the one who STARTED trawling the net for sperm-based recipes.

Zephirine said...

I think the Offsides
conspired to get the longest
and naughtiest thread

Definitely the winner, 117 comments, unheard-of on OS - it is indeed, cough, a whale of a thread...

guitougoal said...

good one Zeph.
from Dog to hell iln'y a qu'un pas.
Mrs Offie did hit the j.spot.I mean the Jackspot.

Zephirine said...

Unfortunately, the prize is a night out on the town with Offside.

Unknown said...

'SHE'?
who 'she'?

the cat's mother?

G-runt

the evidence is
there for all to see. the sperm
first came in your clip

i think even i have been profoundly shaken by the original Big Themes introduced in this story; motherhood, Dogliness, humanity...

before i turn to file's question about whether we intuit a higher being i may need a cock
tale of offtopic

hope zeph returns to bring some order to the house, or crocodile tears will flood us all

offsideintahiti said...

Special offer from
Offside Incorporated
Buy one get one free

Unknown said...

for dog's sake.

here she is all along... (zeph, i mean)

don't you think the prize should be a real life visit from us all?? i mean, that would be like getting a life, but better!

Zephirine said...

A visit from us all? Does that constitute a prize or a punishment?:)

Unknown said...

a crime or a punishment, did you say? i'm sorry, i can't hear... i've got a banana in my ear.

what's the difference, anyway. if we cook, shake or stir the oeufs and turn up with old salty dog himself... i'd say just deserves following this particular presentation.

i must bid thee all goodnight, in GMT it's bedtime for me.

Zephirine said...

Can't find a good whale song, but here's a seriously off-topic walrus songto sing you to sleep.

offsideintahiti said...

The visit as a prize has already been awarded, and you're all most welcome. You just need to plan according to Moorea's two seasons:

The Whale season: June to November
The Mango season: November to June

Note that in June or November, you have a chance to enjoy Whales and Mangoes simultaneously. Just bear in mind that one is much easier to skin than the other.

guitougoal said...

whalever you are good night all-

Anonymous said...

For dog's sake, offside, that clip is revolting. I've been traumatised.

here is some whale song. Oh, and this

tony said...

guitou - You're glad I went to bed!!?? Are you saying I can't give good taproom? Obtain an existence!

offsideintahiti said...

Munni,

sue me.

Tony,

become genuine.

Anonymous said...

"the prize is a night out on the town with Offside?"

Arrgh, please, give me a break...

MrsOffside said...

A visit from all
Of you, that is kind of cool
You'll sleep with the whales...

offsideintahiti said...

"Banjo girl" thinks she can get away with it. She's sitting across from me and giggling, for f'ack's sake.

Anonymous said...

What's Offside Incorporated? a kind of washing power manufacturer?

Zephirine said...

Munni, that first clip is lovely - just what I was looking for but my research skills are poor at 01.00 GMT. I think the second one is kind of horrible though...

On the other hand, it does reinforce our belief that sea creatures relate to wind instruments:)

MrsOffside said...

Totally agree with you Lady Z, I loved the first one but did not like the second one.

I went to the Marineland in Antibes a couple of years ago with my daughter and nevews.

I cried too, but not for the same reasons.

Anonymous said...

Went into the water with some dolphins in Cuba. My son was in there too even though he was 16 months old. The dolphins were tame and in a lagoon, though the open sea was available to them.

After a few minutes petting them, the trainer told me to tread water and when I felt the dolphins with my feet I should brace my legs. I did so and the dolphins took one foot each and powered me through the water. Then they flipped me up in the air about six feet.

Bloody great and I have a cool photo too.

offsideintahiti said...

And now you've told us, you just have to post it.

Zephirine said...

Wow, BD (can we see the photo?)!

It's the 'open sea available' bit that counts, isn't it? It's one thing the dolphins having a good time competing in the Dolphin Cuban Human-Flipping League Div 1 because that's their hobby and the after-match tea is always good... another thing if the poor sods are effectively in prison and doing tricks because otherwise they'd go mad with boredom.

Anonymous said...

Will do if I can get get Mrs BD to do all the magic scanning and whatnot gubbins.

tony said...

Zeph - if you're still feeling moderatorly, could you tell bd off for using all the techical jargon that most of us don't understand?

offside overcome the situation.

Zephirine said...

Rediscover verisimilitude, Tony! Every reasonably techno-literate person in the 21st century should know what gubbins is. Honestly...

tony said...

Oooh zeph, that'd be a fun thread for a rainy Sunday evening (well, it would be for a sad old grammarian like me): the word 'get' is tabu and the first one to use it has to pay for a pseuds trip to moorea. Or a virtual cocktail...

henrymoon said...

get 2 get 27
get smashed get down and get get
out of your system

Zephirine said...

Delightfully typical of Pseuds that as soon as I said certain phrases were banned, everybody found other ways of saying the same thing...

tony said...

Sorry Henry, I just don't get it.

henrymoon said...

"Get vingt-sept" is an alchoholic peppermint drink used in cocktails. I'm told it exists in 31, too. I've never consciously tried it, nor have I yet gotten "get" out of my system.

Zephirine said...

D'you think avatars on Second Life tell each other to g*t a second life? or even a third?

tony said...

A drink? Get out of here!

I imagine that developing a second life presupposes the lack of a first, so they're probably told to take care of that first.

Unknown said...

i'm pretty certain it's in one of the series one episodes, when brody and wallace and the kids are still kids; discussing inescapable facts of ghetto life one of them asserts categorically that if you do something or the other, "you're gonna get got".

Zephirine said...

(For the rest of the world - that's a reference to The Wire. Ms MMA is a leetle obsessed right now, as are many of us)

150 COMMENTS!!!! A round of applause for the blonde in the snorkel!

Zephirine said...

Marcela - I think you're right and I think it's Bodie.

I've nothing against the word get. It's the combination of it in well-known tedious phrases and sayings.

Unknown said...

yeah, bodie NOT brody. details, eh? who needs them?
i loved "get got".

'obtain an existence', whether a first or second, i agree with present company: should merit a ban without warning on these threads.

stroke the dog-ma :)

the blonde with the legs... will she come back for after hours do you reckon? i didn't realize it was a record for other stuff but it has been omst fun!

Zephirine said...

(I meant it's Bodie who says it:))

Anonymous said...

Great thread - sorry to have missed most of it. Takes a long time to choose colours for bathroom decorating you know.

Still, hoping it'll all be going strong tomorrow as we toast Marcela.

Special cocktail, Offie/Zeph, please?

offsideintahiti said...

Mimi,

there is a cocktail special. It's further up the thread. There were very few takers, though.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
guitougoal said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
offsideintahiti said...

Minx? I thought we'd established she was a different animal altogether. And I've found just the thing:

the Green Puma

2 cl Pisang Ambon® liqueur
2 cl whiskey
2 cl orange juice

Combine all ingredients together in a glass, stir, and serve.

(And I have no idea what Pisang Ambon is, but cheers all the same)

henrymoon said...

whisky, jus d'orange...
bon sang, c'est pour ça ma Pisse
a une couleur d'Ambre !

offsideintahiti said...

Your piss is amber
Now it can sting too, with this
incendiary drink:

Chili Margarita

1.75 liter tequila
1 fresh pineapple
6 jalapeno pepper
fresh lime juice
lemonade
fresh lime
fresh lemon
salt


Cut the pineapple into big half-ring slices/chuncks. Place them in a 1-gallon or more jar, along with the whole jalapenos and fill with the tequila. Let age for at least 2 weeks.

When properly aged, fill a cocktail shaker with ice, lemonade, lime juice, and 1 to 2 oz of the pineapple-jalapeno infused mixture (depending on taste). Shake, and pour in a chilled, salt rimmed margarita glass. Garnish with slice of lemon, lime, and a small jalapeno ring. Enjoy this sweet and spicy refreshing margarita!

Zephirine said...

(Sorry about the deletions, people, but please remember this is a public blog and will be sitting out there in cyberspace forever - please don't publish personal info about other bloggers, most especially if they don't have the protection of a pseudonym)

Lethal cocktail....:)

file said...

so that's the drinks sorted, what about the toast?

'Raise your glasses to grilled bread'
'Another suitcase in the presidential hall'
'Like a virgin' Maradona

guitougoal said...

"sitting out there in the cyberspace for ever"
scary thought, could you please delete all my previous posts

guitougoal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Zephirine said...

Why did you take that whale away, Guitou? Were you worried about online stalkers invading its privacy:)?

guitougoal said...

zeph,
you are reading my mind.:)

Anonymous said...

I am stroking a velvet floor for the bathroom. Everything else is bad.

But then I've been crying for weeks so nothing new.

Anonymous said...

Just read the piece and wanted to add my gratitude and envy Mrs O.

Haven't had time to read the comments - I have to get home to my two wailers.

DoctorShoot said...

my goodness
here I am in January 2009 and have only just arrived at this piece - I was busy and missed the boat
sorry

socks off forever mrs offie...

and the strangest of tappie threads since Britain were knocked out of the world cup in Istanbul and everyone ate tapirs and drowned in absinthe...